Valentine's Day is fast approaching and we here at The Entertainer are getting that warm, fuzzy glow of romance. Heart shaped boxes of chocolate, ruby red roses and scents that threaten to erase the ozone layer abound. But not for me; I am opting for alternative Valentines gifts, turning my back on tradition and seeking out new things to wrap in pink. Join me then as we hunt down the hottest new items for Valentine's Day 2005…www.iwantoneofthose.com
 
Your Own Novel: From 30 euros

A visit to www.yournovel.com, followed by inserting the answers to just 26 questions and the parting of 30 euros will buy you a literary masterpiece as individual as the mole on your loved one's bottom. You can choose from a number of exciting titles like; Another Day in Paradise, Another Night in Paradise, Away on the Range, Cold Feet Warm Heart, Island of Love and the intriguingly titled Shore Thing, plus many more . After the selection, you get to choose 'Mild' or 'Wild' depending on your loved one's particular style. If you're not sure, you can easily find out by asking him/her what his/her view is on fluffy handcuffs…
 
Fluffy Hand Crop : 43 euros and matching….
Pink Leather Cuffs : 65 euros

Speaking of fluffy handcuffs, no Valentine's Day night would be complete without them – if only to ensure you have your beloved's undivided attention whilst reciting from the literary tome you have dedicated in their honour. This divine little set is my personally favourite – they are
still holding strong to last year's delight. This year's version comes with a matching Crop – I haven't tried this one yet, but it sure looks like fun.

Designed by Tabooboo, the pink leather fur-lined cuffs are so exquisitely well made they are downright fashionable. The strikingly pink, pink crop has a delightfully fluffy end for all sorts of
activities and is the perfect accompaniment to the cuffs. They're available separately, but hey, if you are going to do something right, get the pair and make a week of it.
 
Candy G-String : 8 euros

Oh my goodness, I know what you're thinking – the calories!! The 330 fruit-flavoured candy pieces are definitely a no-no for dieters; so do not order this unless you are sure you can handle it (it is non returnable). Comfort was clearly not a consideration in the design of this intricate piece of yummy attire – I can't begin to tell you where those little sweeties nestled…and they do nothing for the smooth line of a pretty dress. According to the nice people over at the website
"We never thought we would sell g-strings here, but they have proved massively popular, it's evident the nation has a sweet tooth... or something." Hmmmm….

Heart Rainbow Maker : 30 euros

Now this really will melt the heart of your little lady. A truly beautiful, original gift that says "I am soft enough to give a damn about rainbows…". You would have to have some serious personal hygiene issues if this doesn't make her fall into your arms and turn to putty. Sparkling rainbows spin round the room with this enchanting solar-powered Heart Rainbow Maker. Simply hang the Rainbow Maker in a window where it will catch the sun's rays. The sun will make the genuine Swarovski heart-shaped crystal rotate, and as the sun shines through the crystal, science takes over, light pours through its finely cut fascias and sends beautiful rainbows straight to her heart.
I love this. I really want this. I would suffer the candy g-string for this…..that's how lovely it is.

And finally, forget the card, send a text instead. So much cheaper, trees love you for it and other than a little irradiation of your loved one, no harm done. You will of course need to be in on the
lingo, so here goes:

B My Vlntn - Be my Valentine
ILUVU MECHD - I love you more each day
BFz4evr - Best friends forever
3 8 1 - Three words, eight letters, one meaning (I Love You)
ILuvU Alwz&4evr - I love you always and forever
Im :) 2hv Mt U - I'm happy to have met you
Urt Bst Tng 2Evr Hpn 2M - You are the best thing to ever happen to me
Hot4U - Hot for you
SWATK - Sent/Sealed with a tender kiss
XOXOXO - Hugs & kisses