Ho hum….Christmas is a distant memory, Valentines simply lingers in the air with the scent of decaying red rose buds and there is no joy on the horizon for the avid gift buyer. But…could boredom be a new gift incentive that the boys down at 'consumer central' have yet to catch up on? I hereby nominate March as the month for senseless gifts….here are just some of the completely pointless gifts I have found whilst attempting to look like I am truly thrilled….
Available from www.boystuff.co.uk

Steam Engine Desktop Toy
20 euros

This I bought for my Editor, Lenox - to add a little oomph in his working day; the Steam Engine Desktop Toy. This unique little gadget is the first engine of its type to combine traditional materials steel and brass with plastics; it works like a real, full-size steam engine, but using low-pressure compressed air instead of steam. You don't need to be a genius (or even a clever editor) to build this either, all you need is an empty plastic drinks bottle and everything else is in the kit. Connect the bottle to the assembled engine, pump it with air using the hand pump provided and spin the engine's flywheel anti-clockwise. As soon as you have enough pressure, the engine begins to run and produce electricity. Not enough to put any utility provider into a panic, but enough to light up the miniature LED that is built into it. The perfect gift for the boy who loves to play with power and is easily amused.

Dirt Powered Clock
18 euros

Now this one proved popular with Elliot and his gang over in layout – they just love anything a little bit mucky. The Dirt Powered Clock doesn't need any namby pamby batteries, it just needs a little mud! This totally unique desktop clock is powered through the chemical reaction between mud and metal. The build-it-yourself Dirt Clock comes with a set of copper and zinc conductors. Once these have been attached to the clock, all you have to do is place the metal strips at the other end in a container of damp mud (bring your own damp mud) and the clock will start working. The Dirt Clock comes with a graphic card which creates a digital display above the time display. You can even design your own graphic card if you really do have too much time on your hands. On a serious note, this could prove useful when travelling, camping or trekking. Mud is at last glorious.

Speak-Easi Hands Free Phone Unit
14 euros

This one I'm keeping, it is adorable. It allows me to chat hands free on any phone, in any location, with the clever and quirky Speak-Easi. It's a hands-free unit with a difference – it has lips. But it isn't just looks on my Speak-Easi that make the difference. When you talk to the Speak-Easi, it talks back (just like me), thanks to a clip-on microphone that reacts to sound vibrations and can clip to any standard or mobile telephone. When a call is answered, the Speak-Easi's lips move in synchronisation with the caller's words as they talk. Totally bizarre to witness, almost like having a real conversation. The Speak-Easi fits any landline or mobile phone, but can also be used as a really unique speaker. Use it with a CD player, radio, TV; in fact anything that produces sound. I use mine when the washing machine is on spin – too freaky for words.

Personal Vibrating Massager
13 euros

I have yet to decide the recipient of this – it will prove a big distraction and I wouldn't want to cause any delays on the paper, so maybe my friend Alexander. His stress levels are unbearable and his mother issues still prevalent, so this could kill a couple of birds etc. Alexander can squeeze away his complex issues and receive tingling vibrations in appreciation. He can keep it on his desk or bedside table for instant access whenever he feels he needs a little womanly warmth in the palm of his hand. Ah bless…

'The Monitor' PC Mirror
7 euros

Hmmm, this one goes to my colleague who spends too much time surfing the net – he shall remain anonymous as he is bigger than me. This PC Mirror will let him see who is coming up behind him without my having to kick him under the desk. The Monitor works just like a car rear
view mirror, but it attaches to your PC instead of your windscreen. So he can just slip back into busy employee mode as the Editor appears and not worry about any surprises again. He will never look back…

Diamond Girl Housework Set
21 euros

Oooh this one is most definitely for my sister Julie…she can look absolutely fabulous even with her arm in a u-bend. The Diamond Girl Housework Set will revolutionise housework. With an apron and washing up gloves that are positively designer chic, Julie will sparkle her way through the grimiest of chores. The set contains a unique apron in the style of a sultry evening dress, with a sexy, figure forming Basque-style bodice and revealingly, street-walker-red and black net skirt. To accessorise, a red and black rose corsage and a dazzling pair of decadent black washing up gloves, complete with velvet effect and net trim, studded with sparkling 'diamonds' and a bauble that looks like it came from Tiffany's. Her guests will be thrilled…