For some reason, there’s no such thing as a “European Passport”. Yes, I know, my British passport is European but the thing is, I’m thinking of burning it. I hope you will all join me, at least at the party afterwards. Of course, before I do, I’d better think it through properly as I will need to obtain another national identity card. I couldn’t really become a Spaniard (nobody would believe me), my grandmother wasn’t Irish and (inexplicably) I can’t get a common or garden European one; so all there is left is one of those stateless Nansen passports they issued after the First World War. As a matter of fact, since I have a Spanish residence card and don’t plan to leave the core countries of Europe in the immediate future, I can probably get by with that.

The Nansen passport by the way, the stuff of John Buchan books, was invented by Fridtjof Nansen, Norway’s greatest man. It was designed for stateless refugees. By the nineteen thirties, sixty five countries recognised it. Especially if you slid a dollar inside. ‘Burn my passport’, you said? ‘Whatever for?’ It’s to do with Charles, our future king. I don’t think he’s quite my sort of person. Fine as he is, of course, a corking fellow, but not kingly material. I wouldn’t feel quite right about bending the knee to someone like that. I shouldn’t be surprised, in that Modern Britain (we’ve all left), to find that they’ll probably want to swap him for Beckham or some other overpaid, inarticulate and uninspiring personality. Who’s got a lighter?

The Spanish will have voted for the contents of the European Constitution by the time you read this article. So rather like the famous ‘Dewey is President’ headline, I shall assume that it got through, although without a large number of people bothering to show. To counteract this ennui, the PP led Almería diputación (county council) has offered to spend more on public works in those towns in the province where there is/was a high turn-out. Can they do that? Apparently not, according to the voting office. Of course, we most European of Europeans, we who came from another European state  to live here, weren’t able to vote, not even for the bit which says under ‘Fundamental Rights’: all Europeans can vote, wherever they live throughout Europe. Sort of. If the Spanish authorities have forgotten us, in the thrill of cementing our European ties together with the assimilation of some three million immigrants into society, it’ll only be until the next local elections in 2007. The British ambassador, recently in Almeria, told a daily paper that there were 25,000 of the Queen’s Subjects living in the province. Dazzled, I forgot to ask about The Costa Blanca – say, 300,000…? Certainly the Valencian government - the Generalitat - remains unimpressed, as they continue to ignore their funding and political commitments towards the European residents.

Meanwhile, Thank Goodness for Sky News! You know, the people who brought you (repeatedly)  the story about Michael Jackson’s cosmetic surgery with that wonderful pio-whoosh ‘News Alert’ sound they do so well. Hey! At least it’s in English! We should let them decide about Charles, Camilla and the future of the Royals. Perhaps they’ll ask that pop singer fellow Robbie Williams to don the purple. Actually, I expect they intend to. Perhaps you’ll let me know. I’ll be too busy with my bonfire…