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After all than ‘fine reading’ you’ve been subject to in the rest of the paper, now’s the time to loosen your shorts as you join us in the best of the jokes, one liners and oddities that have found their way to our ‘in-box’ this month.
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A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
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Some one-liners…
Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.
It's not who you know, it's whom you know.
Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.
Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.
I had amnesia once - maybe twice.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
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Ernest Hemingway's shortest story was just six words long:
"For sale: baby shoes, never worn."
He's said to have called it his best work.
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What to say to those phone-salespeople:
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, and my dog just died" when they try to get to the sale, just keep talking about your problems.
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
This works great if you are male: Caller: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ company" You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
Cry out in surprise, "Judy, IS that you? Oh my God, Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
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Don't go knocking on heaven's door. Ring the doorbell and run, he hates that!
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How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
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Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
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In high school, I was in the French club. All we would do is occasionally surrender to the German club.
I like my women how I like my coffee, hot, strong and on the kitchen table.
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Animal testing is a bad idea. They get all the answers wrong.
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I bought a wastebasket the other day and carried it home in a paper bag. When I got home, I put the paper bag in the wastebasket.
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I used to be an atheist, but then I realized I'm God.
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I'm a drunk, not an alcoholic. I don't go to those meetings.
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That guy is so vain - he won’t wear her glasses, but needs them to drive, so he got a prescription windshield.
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Two parrots sat on a perch. One said to the other, "Do you smell fish?"
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A woman longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so she got a dog. It was cheaper, and she got more feet.
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If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "take two aspirin" and "keep away from children."
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I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
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A doctor says to a patient, "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is I amputated the wrong leg. The good news is your bad leg is getting better!"
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I almost fell in love with a psychic, but she left me before we met.
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For the Fishermen we know
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. ~Author Unknown
It has always been my private conviction that any man who pits his intelligence against a fish and loses has it coming. ~John Steinbeck
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There are two types of fisherman - those who fish for sport and those who fish for fish. ~Author Unknown
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Somebody just back of you while you are fishing is as bad as someone looking over your shoulder while you write a letter to your girl. ~Ernest Hemingway
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Bragging may not bring happiness, but no man having caught a large fish goes home through an alley. ~Author Unknown
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Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. ~Dave Barry
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There he stands, draped in more equipment than a telephone lineman, trying to outwit an organism with a brain no bigger than a breadcrumb, and getting licked in the process. ~Paul O'Neil, 1965
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Good things come to those who bait. ~Author Unknown
Gone fishin', be back at dark-thirty! ~Author Unknown
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Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish. ~Author Unknown
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My biggest worry is that my wife (when I'm dead) will sell my fishing gear for what I said I paid for it. ~Koos Brandt
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" |
